Did You Know That?

Hey you! Yeah, you there. Stop what you’re doing and come here. I’ve got something important to tell you.

You are an amazing person. Did you know that? You do everything that you can to help out the people that you care about. You go above and beyond what most people would do to make sure that everyone around you is happy. You pick up the slack and do things they don’t have time for. You do this because you care about them and you want them to be happy. “You are awesome! Did you know that?”

You help out the people that you care about and do whatever they ask because you’re afraid they will be mad at you if you don’t. You’re afraid to argue and cause problems. You just want everyone to be happy and everything to work out. “You’re the best! Did you know that?”

You put everyone else in your life before yourself. You take care of everyone. You love them. You want them to be happy. You forget about yourself. There will be time for that later. “You’re so reliable! Did you know that?”

You’re tired, but you go out of your way to help out. You have things that you need to take care of and get done, but you set it aside to help out someone you care about. There will be time to do it later. “You rock! Did you know that?”

Everyone depends on you. You help them out so much that they come to you with anything and everything. You take care of them before you take care of yourself. You’re not happy. Did you know that?

You put on a good show. You wear a perfect mask. Everyone thinks your happy, but you know the truth. You may deny it, but deep down you know. You’re not living your life, you’re helping everyone else live theirs. You can make it better. Did you know that?

You have a life to live on your own. There comes a time when you have to stop. Take a step back from it all and reevaluate your life. You can be happy. Did you know that?

You can put yourself first. No one will be mad. You can still help them out, but you also have to help yourself out. Putting yourself first doesn’t mean that you care about them any less. It simply means you care about yourself too. You will still be an amazing person. Did you know that?

You can take the time to do the things that you need to do. You can put yourself first for a change. The people you care about will still care about you. They will understand that you have a life to live too. You are still awesome. Did you know that?

If the people you care about get upset with you for trying to better your life and take care of yourself for a change, then they never really cared about you. You deserve to live your life too. Your life isn’t about making other people’s lives better, it’s about finding what makes you happy. You are still the best. Did you know that?

If they can’t see how you are trying to make your life better and turn their back on you, then so be it. You deserve better and they made your life better by leaving. They didn’t care about you. They only cared about what you could do for them. You will find others who will care about you more than what you can do for them. You are still reliable. Did you know that?

Just because you’re putting yourself first doesn’t mean you have to stop helping the people you care about. You simply have to find a way to do it that still leaves time for you. You still sick. Did you know that?

You live life to the fullest. You do things that make you happy. You care about people just as much and they care about you. Your mask is lifting and you’re no longer pretending to be something that you’re not. You really are happy. Did you know that?

Okay, so I know this post is a little strange, but it’s something that really speaks to me. I’ve spent my entire life putting everyone else before myself. I’m only just now starting to learn that in order to be truly happy I have to take care of myself.

In the last few months I have started to make changes to better my life. I’ve started doing less for others and more for myself and you know what, I’m happier for it. Those that truly care about me understand that I have to take care of myself and aren’t mad that I’m not doing the same things that I was before. The ones that didn’t care about me and got upset that I wasn’t helping them out as much are no longer apart of my life. It hurt for them to leave because I cared about them (and I still do), but I understand that they didn’t care about me. They were using me. It wasn’t right and my life will be better without them.

I still have a long way to go and a lot of changes to make in order to truly be happy, but I’m on the right path and I have good people supporting me.

If you find yourself relating to this post then maybe you need to take a step back and think about your life. Maybe you need to start making changes to make sure that you are happy. No one is going to make the changes for you. You have to do it yourself. You deserve to be happy too. Did you know that?

Relationships

So, here lately I’ve taken to listening to some of my mom’s favorite songs. She loved R&B and all these love songs have me thinking about relationships… and my lack of them.

I’ve never had a real romantic relationship. I don’t think that I know how, but I want to so bad. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want to travel the world with my husband. I want to have kids and be happy with someone by my side.

There’s just one problem. I don’t think I know what a real relationship looks like. I love my mom, but she wasn’t the best role model for relationships.

The first relationship I remember her having was to a verbally and physically abusive drug addict. That lasted nearly five years. The next relationship I remember her having was with a married man. Then there was my step-dad. Their relationship was as close to normal as possible, but I think she struggled with her past a lot and put a lot on my step-dad that he didn’t really do. There was a lot of arguing. Still though my step-dad stuck around. He loved her so much.

The only other relationship I have to influence my life is my brother and sister-in-law. They love each other. I know that, but there’s just something not right there… Who knows, maybe I’m imagining it because I want something to be wrong.

Anyway, I haven’t exactly had good examples of relationships and it doesn’t help that I’m a bit “old fashioned” in my thoughts of dating.

Dating today is getting on an app, swiping right or left, hooking up and moving on. I want more than that. I want a real relationship. I want to go on dates and get to know someone before anything else.

I know that those aren’t my only problems either. I don’t know how to handle guys. I can’t really tell when a guy is just being nice or flirting. When a guy gives me a compliment I don’t know how to handle it. I laugh and shrug it off. Honestly, I don’t feel worthy of their compliment. I don’t see myself and pretty or good looking so how can they?

It’s a mental thing. I know that it’s on me for that part and I’m working on getting better with it, but I still feel that way for the most part.

Honestly, I feel like I should ‘ve in therapy to deal with all of the problems that I have, but I can’t afford that. That’s why I’m here. I know that people don’t want to sit around and read about my problems, but it’s still nice to get my thoughts out. Besides, if even one person can relate to the things that I say, then I know that at least I’m not as alone as I feel.

Anyway, it’s a short post this time because I’m at work. I don’t really want to get in trouble for being on my phone, so I’ll leave it here.

Until next time.

Wait! I forgot to mention that I joined a gym today! I won’t have time to workout today, but you can bet your ass I’ll be there tomorrow. Time to start making the change for a better me.

-Z

Pressing Play on Life

I feel like my life has been on hold for the past seven years. After my mom got sick, I took care of her and after she passed I was too numb and depressed to care about anything. Slowly, I’m starting to come back to myself and fight my depression and I’m realizing that I don’t want my life to be on hold anymore.

I want to start living for myself and make the best out of whatever situation I happen to be in. It’s time to push play on my life and be the person that I want to be. It’s time to do the things that I want to do.

I want you to know that as I write this, I am making a promise to myself and to you. I promise that from this day on my life will no longer be on hold. Starting today, I start to live and I want you to follow me on the journey of life. It’s time to fight that depression off and be who I know I can be.

I am going to join the gym by my job and start to go as often as I can so that I can get back to a healthy weight. I am going to start putting money back so that I can travel. I am going to stop sitting behind a computer screen watching videos of other people living and wishing that it was me. I’m going to make that me.

I am going to put myself out there in the world, no matter how terrifying it may be because life isn’t about sitting in a dark room on the computer all day. Life is about the experiences that we have. It’s about getting out of the house and meeting new people. It’s about seeing the world. It’s about being active.

It’s always been a dream of mine to visit Ireland and see where my family comes from. I am going to make that more than a dream. I am going to make that happen. It may not be this year (because of cost), but it will be soon.

I’ve also always dreamed of seeing my name on the cover of a book in a bookstore. I am going to make that happen too. Again it may not be this year, but it will be soon. I already have a completed draft of a novel, I just need to sit down and edit/rewrite it.

Those are two of my biggest dreams. I have smaller ones that I’m going to start with while working towards those.

As of right now, I get paid every week. My goal is to save at least twenty bucks a week and put it up. That’s eighty bucks a month and nine hundred and sixty bucks in a year. Once I get my promotion I’m going to try and put up a hundred a week that way that by my birthday next year (May) I should have enough to go to Ireland.

As for the novel, I have already rewritten chapter one (it’s a total of thirty chapters). I want to try and rewrite a chapter a week. That means that by the end of September I should have my entire novel rewritten. After that I can start to work on finding a publisher or figuring out how to self publish. By this time next year I may have this goal completed.

I am also going to start going to the gym as often as I can. Right now I weigh 219lbs. That is unhealthy and not at all where I want to be. If I can lose 69lbs I will be back at the weight I was when I graduated from high school and much healthier at 150lbs. I hope to have this goal accomplished by the end of the year.

As for now and putting myself out in the world, I have my husky and I haven’t been as active with her as I should be. I’m going to try and walk her everyday and even take her on hikes. There are some really good hiking spots around where I life and with spring just around the corner, now is the perfect time to start hiking again. I am also going to try and reconnect with my friends and start going out with them more often.

I’ve made these kinds of promises to myself before, but this time it is different. I’m not just promising myself. I’m also promising you guys and I’m hoping that you will help keep me on the right track.

Anyway, that’s it for now. I will keep you updated on the way things are going.

Oh yeah! I’m on Twitter now. Check me out @Beautiful_DeadX

Until next time,

-Z

Ramblings Part Two

Welcome back to my ramblings series where I talk about anything and everything on my mind. Can it really be called a series if there are only two posts about it? Eh, oh well. It’s a series now. Deal with it.

Anyway, I actually woke up in a good mood. I know, shocking. Honestly, it doesn’t really happen very often, so I’m going to try and take advantage of it… of course I haven’t gone to work yet, so my mood is likely to change once I get there.

No! I can’t think like that. I need to try and think positively.

That’s something that I really need to work on. I have a bad habit of negatively thinking and always expecting the worst out of my life. I really need to change that and start to think positive about everything. I need to start expecting the best out of life.

It’s hard to change the way that you think, I know that, but not impossible.

Okay, from this point on, I vow to try and think more positively. I vow to try and block out the negative thoughts and drive away the ‘worst case scenarios’ from my mind. I know that it isn’t going to be easy and that I will have times when I fall back into my old ways, but I have to keep fighting to stay positive.

After all, the way that you think about life, affects how you feel about life. If you think that everything sucks then everything is going to suck. On the other hand if you think that everything is awesome, then everything is going to be awesome.

I’m not naive. I know that everything can’t suck and that everything can’t be awesome. That isn’t the point of what I was saying. The point is that if you think negatively then you view the world negatively, but if you think positively then your view of the world is a positive one.

I know that it can be hard to think positively in a world like the one that we live in. Especially when the media and everyone always talks about the bad things that happen in the world and their lives, but there has to be a way. There has to be good in the world and that has to be what you focus on.

Don’t ignore the bad things that happen, and certainly don’t push away your bad emotions. That’s not healthy, mentally or physically. Just don’t dwell on them too long because that’s not healthy either. Try to find the best in every situation you face… especially if it seems impossible to do so.

Okay, this post turned inspirational and I have no idea where that came from, but I kind of like it. Unfortunately, this is going to have to be a short post because I have to go to work. I would just leave it and write more later, but if I do then there won’t be a post today and I want to try and post something everyday.

Also, feel free to comment on anything I post and let me know what you thought. Heck, you could even put in your two cents, just try to be respectful.

Until next time.

-Z

 

A Struggle I Don’t Talk About

I have a confession to make. I suffer from depression and anxiety. No, I’m not formally diagnosed with them, but I’m sure that I have them. I don’t really like to talk about this kind of thin because I like to pretend that everything is okay. Even to myself. I keep thinking that if I pretend long enough then it will go away. It never goes away and I feel like it’s time to stop pretending and admit the truth. I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy in a long time, and you know what that’s okay.

Life isn’t always about being happy and having a good time. If it was then there would be nothing to live for. You have to accept the bad parts of life in order to truly appreciate the good. I know all of this, but knowing all of this doesn’t make dealing with depression and anxiety any easier. Actually, sometimes it makes it more difficult.

The truth is that I don’t really know how to deal with either. For a long time I was just numb and sort of dead to the world. I still am actually. I go to work sure, but that’s so I don’t lose my house. When I’m not at work I sit in my room and either sleep or watch YouTube videos. I don’t really do anything that constitutes living, but I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be the woman that I know I can be. I want to live life rather than just survive. I want to experience the world. I want to fall in love. I just want to be happy.

I’ve been depressed for so long though that I’m not sure I even remember what happy is anymore. It doesn’t help that when I have the opportunity to change things in my life I’m overwhelmed with crippling anxiety.

Take, for instance, the time that I went on a date with a guy that I met online. Yeah, yeah, online dating is bad and dangerous. I know, but we met in a very public place and had been talking online, through texts, and over the phone for months.

Anyway, we met up, had lunch and walked around for a while, just talking. It was fun and nice to get out of my comfort zone, but after that I stopped talking to the guy. I didn’t answer his texts or phone calls and it wasn’t because I didn’t like him. It was because I was anxious. I was scared that if we met up again and started dating that I would actually really really like him. It was terrifying to the extent that I had to block him or have a panic attack every time he texted or called.

It’s like that every time that I have the opportunity to do the things that I want to do and because of that I stop and go back to how things were. How they are right now. I don’t know how to get past it and make it stop.

I know that you’re probably thinking that I should be taking meds to make it better, but I can’t do that. Mind altering meds just aren’t for me. I saw too many people I care about lose who they were to drugs like that and I’m not willing to take that risk. Besides, addiction runs in my family and the less I expose myself to the less chance I have to become addicted to it.

Depression also runs in my family. My grandfather killed himself when my mom was just two years old and I know for a fact that my mother struggled with depression after my Nanny passed.

Honestly, I would probably be able to deal with the depression and work through it if I could just get through the anxiety.

Anyway, I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in a while. My boss gave me some time off and I went to my sister’s house and sort of unplugged from the world. It gave me some much needed time to think and reevaluate things.

I made a budget for myself and discovered that I can’t afford to move out on my own. It sucks, but it’s something that I’m going to have to live with until I get my promotion in the spring/summer.

I am working on a letter to give to my brother and sister-in-law that I hope will help address some of the issues I’m having around the house without making anyone upset. I know that if things don’t change around the house that I’m just going to snap and yell and scream at everyone and that’s the last thing that I want. I’ve just been keeping it bottled up for so long because I don’t know how to approach them with my concerns. In my experience that type of conversation ends with a huge argument and I don’t want that. That’s why I’m writing the letter. I’ll keep you updated on that. I may even post the letter after I give it to them.

If you go back and read my other blog posts you may better understand what I’m talking about and I know that if things change around the house it will help with my depression. You can’t surround yourself with filth and expect to be happy. Life just doesn’t work that way.

Well I guess that’s it for now. Until next time.

-Z

A Letter to my Family

I’m writing this because I know that there is no way that I can say what I need to say. It just isn’t who I am, but I need to get this out of my head because if I don’t I may lose my mind… I already feel like I am.

I am not happy living with you anymore. Not even a little bit. I’ve told you that I want to move out and I keep saying that me wanting to move out has nothing to do with y’all, but that isn’t even a little bit true. I want to move out to get away from y’all and the disaster y’all have turned my mother’s house into.

When I said that it was okay for y’all to move in I gave one stipulation. Keep the house clean. At first that wasn’t a problem, but as the weeks and months drew by everyone got lazier and lazier. I did my best to keep the house clean, but there’s only so much one person can do in a house full of four other people who seem to want to live in filth.

I don’t know how many times I cleaned the house top to bottom on my days off of work and told each and every one of you that I didn’t want it back the way it was. Two days later it always looked the way that it had before I cleaned… Even after I yelled and screamed on Christmas because roaches ruined all of our food and we had nothing to eat.

I’m done. I told the kids that the last time I cleaned the house. I won’t clean up after people who don’t give a shit. If you want to live in filth then fine. Live in it, but I’m done being your maid. I can’t do it anymore. It’s affecting my mental health which is already on the rocks.

I don’t know if you know this, but I suffer from depression and this living situation is making it a lot worse than it needs to be. Ever since my mom passed I’ve been just a shell of who I once was. I put on a good act and a good mask to make everyone think that I’m happy, but I’m far from it. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and pray to God that when I wake up my pain is gone, but it never is… and then my baby, my sweet angel who I had by my side for thirteen years passed away.

To most he was just a dog, but to me he was my best friend, my constant companion. I loved him more than anyone can ever understand and when he died something in me changed. I don’t know what it was, but it was like I could see clearly for the first time in months. I can see just how far my life has strayed from the path I wanted to be on and it’s pushed me farther into depression, but I’m done with wallowing in it. I have to make the changes I need to make in my life before it kills me inside.

Living here is also flaring up my anger problems. I feel like when I’m not depressed I’m angry. All I want to do is yell and scream and honestly beat the shit out of someone. I do my best to hold it in, but I know it’s only a matter of time before I blow up on someone and I don’t want that to happen.

My second biggest issue is tied into the first. A lack of respect. Not a single one of you has it. You don’t give a shit about anything or anyone else living in that house.

You all go into my room without asking even when I’m not there. My shirts and other stuff constantly wind up missing, but when I ask about it no one has seen anything… yet two or three days later one of you will be wearing it or I’ll find it in one of your rooms.

All of my mom’s dishes have come up missing or broken and I’m starting to feel like it isn’t an accident. I feel like your thought process is if it is missing or broken then it doesn’t have to be washed. If anything happens to my grandmother’s dishes the I swear someone will wound up being hurt.

The kids write on the walls and poke holes in them. They’ve completely destroyed the carpet in their room with “science experiments” and letting the dogs shit all over. They ignore anything asked of them and to be honest I’m tired of playing parent to children that aren’t mine. I didn’t sign on for that. I feel like you don’t give a shit how your kids turn out. I mean for crying out loud, the girl has had a very graphic online relationship with a nineteen year old man and she’s only twelve years old! Twelve!! Instead of punishing her and taking away her online privileges you just let her do whatever the fuck she wants. She cuts herself and even attacked a kid at school with a pencil and still nothing gets done. Mark my words that girl will be pregnant by the time she’s sixteen and I refuse to be here to raise her kid just like I feel like I’m raising yours.

The boy is suffering from depression. All he does is eat, play video games, and watch YouTube. He’s ten and weighs a hundred and seventy five pounds. He’s also closed off emotionally.

Both kids are so starved for attention that they will get it wherever they can find it and they’ve never been taught how to process negative emotions. They both shut down completely whenever they get into trouble or are upset. Which is often because they get upset over every little thing. The boy shut down simply because he was asked to clean of the kitchen table so we could eat dinner today.

The girl is confused about herself and her body which is normal for a preteen, but she’s taking it to an extreme. She cuts herself because she doesn’t know how to deal with the emotions she’s having no one has taught her and she’s scared to ask because you ignore her.

I know that it seems like I’m putting everything on y’all, but I’m really not. I know that I’m not perfect. I have issues just like everyone else does. There are days where I don’t want to get out of bed and do anything. I yell at the kids when they’re annoying me. I go days without taking a shower. I stay in my room all the time. I know that I am far from perfect and it takes everything that I have just to get out of bed in the mornings and go to work.

Honestly, I could go on for pages about how I feel about myself, and I know that it’s hard to balance everything that goes on in life and that sometimes things don’t get done. That’s okay… sometimes, but to let those things go for months at a time… to destroy a home that you’ve barely been in for a year… to spend money on everything else before you pay bills… I just don’t understand how you can live like that.

For so long I have put everyone else’s happiness above my own because I didn’t have a choice. I had to take care of my mom when she got sick and take care of the house for her. I did it for so long that I forgot how to live for myself and you know what, it’s time that I figure that out again. It’s time that I stop putting everyone else’s happiness before my own because if I don’t start living for myself then I will never truly be happy.

That’s what this letter is about. It’s about letting go of everything else and focusing on myself. That’s also what moving out is about. So, yes you may be upset at me and yes I may feel bad, but you guys are grown and both of you have jobs. It’s time that y’all figure out how to do this without me and it’s time that I figure out how to live for myself. I can’t do that if I’m living with you.

Even if you never see this letter or know how I feel, I will be okay. I’ve let my feelings out and put them into words and now I know that even though I’m upset about all of these things, that isn’t why I need to move out and be on my own. I need to move out and be on my own for myself. If I can’t figure out how to live on my own and be happy on my own, then I know that I will never be happy with anyone else.

That isn’t what I want. I’m human just like everyone else (I hope), and I want companionship. I want to get married and have kids and grow a family, but I won’t know how to do that if I don’t know how to take care of myself first.

-Z

Ramblings: Part One

So, I don’t know how shocking this revelation is going to be or not, but I’ve never had a blog before and I’ve never kept a journal. I know, I know what kind of a writer has never kept a journal… well, me for starters. Of course with that being said, I’ve kind of decided that this blog is going to be sort of like my own personal journal. The place where I go to just get all of the crap cluttering my mind out.

I know that a journal would be the perfect place to do that, but I feel like people could maybe benefit from some of the things that I have to say or maybe someone is going through a similar situation in their life and reading this will some how help them. You know, sometimes just knowing that you’re not alone can make a big difference.

Honestly, I really want this to be a safe place where I, and you, can sit back and talk about anything and everything. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have a lot to say about life and don’t really know how to say what I want to say sometimes, so I’m hoping that something like this will help me get my thoughts out of my head.

I feel like this will be a nice place to sit back and talk to about all of the things I have running through my head. My mom was the person that I went to when I wanted to talk about something, but now that she’s gone I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to.

I’ve been holding all of my thoughts and feelings in for so long now that I just have to get them out. I know that this sounds pathetic and stupid that I’m turning to a blog for some kind of human compassion, but I really don’t have anyone else. I’m surrounded by people and I feel so alone. That isn’t something that I’m used to feeling and I don’t really know how to talk to the people around me about how I’m feeling.

My brother – the one that I live with, we’ll call him Jake, has his own emotional baggage that weighs him down so much that I don’t want to bother him with my problems. My sister-in-law, we’ll call her Kelly, well honestly while I appreciate everything that she’s done for me and my brother and while I get along with her alright, I don’t really trust her enough to talk to her about anything important. She’s let me down one too many times. And their kids, Iris and Nate, are young and honestly really annoying so I definitely don’t want to talk to them. So here I am, turning to the internet just like all healthy people do.

Anyway, I had a point to all of this… but now I can’t remember. To be fair I have a lot on my mind right now as I’ve just had a death in the family. I know that a lot of people won’t understand why I’m so upset, but if there’s one thing that you should know about my family, it’s that we are all very close… even when it’s my cousin’s husband’s mother who just passed, we all feel that loss. Biologically, she may be my cousin, but to me she is my sister and her husband is my brother-in-law and I care about them very much. I have very fond memories of his mother and am so thankful that I got the chance to get to know her.  Her loss is heartbreaking and feels almost as if I’ve lost a second mother.

Losing her has brought back some tough emotions that I was barely able to handle after my mom passed and this time I just don’t know how to handle them. Maybe that’s why I started this blog. Actually the only reason that I’m doing this is because a friend suggested it. She actually suggested it a while back, but I never really thought about it until now.

I would keep an actual journal, but the people that I live with don’t have any respect for privacy. They go into my room whenever they please and go trough my things. It is one of the many things that I hate about living with the people that I live with. Don’t get me wrong, I love them to death. They’re my family, but they don’t make very good roommates for so many reasons that I’m sure you will learn about soon enough. I won’t get into that now though because I could probably write an entire novel about it and I just don’t have the time or the patience right now.

I’m going to tell you right now that this kind of writing is hard for me to do. I’m not used to writing about myself, but I do hope that the more I do it, the better I will be at it and the easier it will become. I also want you to know that I don’t live a very exciting life and spend most of my time alone… well as alone as I can be in a house of five people and four animals. However, those are things that I am trying to work on. I want to be more adventurous and do more than sit at home and go to work. I want to live instead of just survive.

Anyway, I hope that you stick around to get to know me better and maybe you will be able to relate to some of the things I’m feeling or situations I’m in or anything really.

Well, I think that this might be enough rambling for now. Until next time.

Wait! I forgot to mention that none of the stuff that I’m posting is going to be proofread or edited. I’m doing this from my phone, so if you see any mistakes or have anything to say just let me know and I will try to address it as soon as possible.

-Z

Who Do You Think You Are?

Hey, how’s it going? My name is Zoey, but you can just call me Z. Everyone does.

I know that introduction posts are usually the worst posts, so I will try to keep it short and only tell you the basics about me.

I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve lived a fairly normal life… Well normal as far as I know, but what can I compare it to when this is the only life that I’ve known? I’m sure that most of you would think my life is normal…

I have two older brothers. One that I am very close with and one whom I speak with on occasion. We were raised by our amazing mother who gave us the best life that she could on her own working as an LVN.

My “father” (and I use that term loosely) abandoned me shortly after I was born simply because I was a female… because apparently that means I wasn’t his kid. Whatever. I’m better off without him in SO many ways.

Let’s see… I graduated high school and went off to college in the same year that my mother was diagnosed with C.O.P.D. from twenty five years of smoking cigarettes. As you can imagine that put a lot of stress on me and I wound up flunking out of University. However, I try not to give up on my dreams and enrolled in a community college closer to home so that I could take care of my mom and work. I worked as a cell phone repair technician. I worked anywhere between forty and sixty hours a week.

Things took a turn for the worse three years later when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. I nearly failed out of school again and quit my job, but as I said before, I don’t like to give up. I got a part time job and focused on taking care of my mom and graduating from school. I graduated the next year with an associate of arts degree.

I was there for my mom every step of the way and watched as the strongest woman that I knew fought for as long as she could. Two years later she lost her fight and I lost the best friend I had ever known. Never the less I keep on living because that is what she wanted me to do.

I quit my part time job for a job with better hours and better pay and have been happy with my work ever since. I do want to go back to college and get a higher degree, but do not have the money to do that at the moment. In case you’re wondering I want to go back for a bachelor’s in creative writing.

Writing is my passion and I hope to one day make it my living. It is the only thing that I’ve found that makes me feel like I have a purpose. I am not currently published, but hope to be soon. I have several short stories finished and have a completed draft of a novel that I am working on editing and rewriting. With any luck I will have it published by this time next year.

I currently live in the house that my mom left me, but I do not live alone. I live with my brother, sister-in-law, their two kids, three dogs, and a cat. If you think that it sounds crowded, then you’re right. It gets pretty hectic and I may complain a lot, but I love my family.

Well, I don’t really know what else there is to tell about me, so I guess I can tell you what this little blog is going to be.

Honestly, it’s going to be whatever I want it to be at the time that I write it. I can do writing advice, rants about my life, tell you guys funny stories that happen to me, do some flash fiction… whatever. So I guess it’s more of a journal than a blog.

Anyway, I hope that you like it here and I hope that my life isn’t too dull for you to care about. A lot of the time if I post something it’s because I want some kind of feedback and don’t worry, I won’t bite if you have something negative to say… well, not unless you want me to. 😉

-Z